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hello Anna. it's been a while. 

a lot of life has happened since I last left you a message here. I feel I have this love hate relationship with social media. I want my whole entire life to be private, but then I do something or make something and want to share it with the world. I want to have people know me and respect me but I also want people to have no knowledge of me. I go through stages of posting so much, and then like today, I've deleted my Pinterest account and made all of my YouTube videos private. 

I don't regret anything I've ever made or posted. yesterday, I actually used a recipe in a YouTube video I posted 6 years ago, and whilst I went back to watch, I then spent the next hour watching these videos I'd made and was so proud of at the time. and I still am. It's so wonderful to have this time capsule of me growing up that I can go back and watch. I see my siblings, fun times, sad times, big moments, small moments, all given their space to shine. I then wanted to be anonymous on the internet due to a job I was starting and made everything private.

later on, I wanted to return and didn't think it right to go back to that channel that I had loved and posted on whilst in high school and college. I made a new one, and like the past, I went through phases of changing and growing, meaning my content themes and appearances online heavily varied. again, I regret none of it.

it's funny. when I was in high school, I'd imagine getting big on YouTube and being able to get a PO Box and maybe having merch, and I was sad that it never happened, but if it had, I wouldn't be where I am in life now and I'm grateful for that. I'm a big believer in what will be will be, even if at times it feels like the world doesn't make sense and isn't going how I would like it to.

I guess this blog is the next stage of me growing up and having an odd relationship with what I put online. I love going back and reading my memories, it's why I started this, but what it is now is different to what it was when I started.

I've wanted to leave this message for a few months now, but I guess all good things take time.

life is currently what I've dreamed of for a while. I'm living in London with my best friend with my dream job. it's mental to think that I've wanted this and now it's actually happening. with that in mind, and my relationship with the internet, I'm putting this blog on pause, maybe even leaving my last message here. It'll still be updated with the reviews and things I post in the review tabs, but for actual uploads, I have no plans for now. I'm sure past Anna when she set up this blog in 2016 would be slightly disappointed, but I hope that she would also be over the moon that life is happening and dreams are coming true, just maybe not in the way we first thought.

as I watched back my old YouTube videos yesterday, it made me realise that everything I do is for past me. I wish I could tell her that it's all ok and I'm proud of her. I always leave a message for my future self here, but this one is for 2016 me...

right now, you are happy. so happy. you finally know who you are and understand the world in more ways. those dreams you have, keep fighting for them, because they do come true. whatever anyone ever says, you have got this. so keep creating silly little internet videos. keep writing story ideas down on bits of paper. keep rearranging your room. keep dreaming and don't stop. I'm sorry I might not leave you anymore messages past Anna, but just know that you've got this. and you'll continue to get it because you deserve it.

love, current anna x