07/08/2017

mobile mind #1

(beep)

oh hello there. I should be packing right now to go on holiday but lol like always I haven't started because I always pack 2 minutes before we have to leave. I wanted to squeeze in a lil post before we leave tomorrow to visit family for a few days, and then have a bigger blog post/vlog connected thing to document my holiday at the end of the week or even the beginning of next! I thought about asking people on twitter about doing a q&a, but then I thought of another idea. I don't think I have really mentioned or spoken properly about my anxiety on here. I have quite a few drafts saved talking about my experiences and stuff but I can't actually remember if I have posted anyway. so I thought it would be a good idea for me to update my blog with what's going on in my mind every month/2 months. the reason this is called 'mobile mind' is because it's a play on words and alliteration because my blog is all about telephones and I like to stick to a theme to be cool yet quirky, ayyy. also, I literally have to take my mind everywhere I go. like actually. I can't not take it with me. so I guess I am documenting my mind being mobile and travelling through life. ok I am gonna stop this and start with the first ever update.

(quick rundown/explanation of my anxiety: I am scared of doing everything but thought everyone was but they are not so lol to me. my aunty realised in January 2017, said I should look at going to therapy. I had 10 therapy sessions. I kinda know how to cope with it, kinda not still but that's just life I guess. ok cool. also kinda experienced depression when I moved house a year and a half ago for about 10 months and I don't like things changing and plans not going right. sorry to all my family and friends who have had to deal with me freaking out over something little)

I am going to talk about my mind over the last few weeks. it's been nice. quite nice in fact. I think it's because I have realised I am only 19 so don't need to have my whole life sorted. it has always stressed me out when family or people ask me what I am doing now, and they always seem a bit annoyed when I reply with "just floating around and working". it made me think that I was failing. it made me think that I should be at uni. it made me think that I am just a child and haven't/don't do anything with my life. that made me sad, which stressed me out and made me so anxious that people would ask me what I was doing that I would avoid speaking to family and if I saw people I knew in public I would avoid them. I then realised that not everyone can be as successful at lorde at the age of 16, and that just being a kid and living and having a part time job is FINE. SO FINE. I feel more comfortable telling people what I am doing now too.

when I moved house, I wanted to move out straight away. I then got used to the place (after 10 months of being sad and wasting my 18th year of life but I needed to experience that I think. everything happens for a reason. hopefully it has taught me that it will all be ok eventually) and I love being here with my family, but it made me realise how much I took living in a town for granted. I now live in a tiny village with a post office and a tiny church. and that's about it. it's ok but I now feel I need more. I need to be able to LIVE. I am 19 and don't do anything, and if I do want to do something I need to travel at least 20minutes or ask my parents for a lift to the train station and it stresses me out that I can't do it on my own. I have decided, with a close friend, that we are hopefully going to move to Manchester together. wow. ok I kind of have a little panic every time I think about it, but it is outweighed by the thought of living my best life. the thought of being able to go to gigs, and meet friends, and travel to London, and live!!!! I actually don't do anything, because there is nothing going on. I need a city where something is always happening! fingers crossed it all works out because I just feel I need it. and I feel my mental health (even though for the first few weeks it will be a bit chaotic for my brain because I like knowing where I am/having a plan) needs it to know I am not missing out on enjoying my 19th year to it's full. I have literally just waffled on, sorry. haha.

so I guess those are the good things. obviously there have been more little victories and things, but those are the 2 main things I have noticed help my brain chill out a bit more over the past few weeks. now onto the bad. i wouldn't say my memories over the past weeks have been bad, but i just feel that i haven't really progressed in ways. i am still scared by lots of things, lots of stupid things, and i just can't seem to shake the fear. i have tried what i was taught in therapy and that helps decrease the amount of fear slightly, but i still feel it's quite high. but i guess over time and with practice i will be more comfortable in situations. i also think that living in a city will help me overcome quite a lot of fears, and possible help me be less anxious in many situations. so i guess this is the end of my first 'mobile mind' update. it has actually been quite nice reviewing my mind over the last few weeks. it has helped me see that even though there is bad, there is good too which is lovely to see in front of me, as sometimes i can't think about the good at all. hopefully over the next few updates, or even years, i can see how (hopefully) my mind improves. fingers crossed.

good luck with everything future anna (i feel like i am ending a video chat thing on good luck Charlie, hahah) x

(beep)

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