yo yo yo future anna, i AM ACTUALLY LIVING IN LONDON IS THIS A JOKE LMAO?!?!?
ok calm yourself please. yep, i have been living in London for just over a month and i am still shook.
this was the thing i mentioned a while ago, saying i had something big happening but didn't wanna say in case it didn't all go to plan. anyway, it did, and now i am sat where i live, writing on this stupid blog haha! team by lorde has just started playing WOW WHAT A TUNE!
if you don't watch my youtube videos or follow me on twitter, you won't know that i moved and took over my friend rachel's job because she was leaving to go to uni. i did a youtube series called FIZZY which was so much fun to create and share, and that's full of all the details if you wanna watch that and see more, or future anna, go watch them if you wanna see all the cute memories!!
anyway, i thought i would catchup with my mental health, and do a mobile mind post! instead of the normal: looking at the bad and then the good, i'm gonna do a mix of it all, starting with the move.
so i moved to london on friday 10th august, and the weeks leading up to it went so fast. they literally disappeared. so fast that the day i moved didn't feel real, i was at home then suddenly i was in my new room. because of that, i wasn't really nervous about the move. i have been to london so many times, i know people here, i know my way around and where i'm moving to, there was nothing to panic me. the only time i felt a little homesick was about 2 weeks in...
at the end of august, i was lucky enough to get the last ticket on a sold out run of a show called Home, I'm Darling. It was incredible!! I had wanted to see it so bad, and managed to get a ticket for £7.50 during the friday rush (if you are under 25, sign up to get entry pass at the national theatre to get cheap tickets and deals!!!) so on the day of the show, i got on the train to the theatre. the train was moderately full and i sat in a seat behind a guy. he kept looking round at me through the gap in the chairs and looking me up and down. i didn't know whether to stare him out or just look away. i was so scared. my anxiety loves to let me think that everyone who looks at me is going to murder me! it's so much fun!!!!! anyway, luckily he got off at the stop before me but as he stood up, and walked towards the door, he just kept staring at me. he stepped onto the platform, looked at his watch, then looked at me again. i just hoped he wouldn't jump back on the train before it left. i was so confused and scared. i just wanted to burst into tears. i just wanted to hug my mum. i walked down southbank, nearly in tears, just wanting to be home. i looked through the crowd to see if there was someone, anyone, who looked safe for me to just go up to and hug. there wasn't anyone. i sat on a bench looking over the river to calm myself before i went to see the show. above the grey buildings was a rainbow. i sat eating some mini donuts and knew that it was all gonna be ok. i breathed in and out, and knew i was gonna be fine. the show was incredible, i loved every second!!!! and even though my time before hand was slightly... scary, i'm really glad i went.
leading on from the previous point and needing a hug... i have started attending 2 churches. one on sunday mornings with my cousin, and another near me, a methodist church as i am a member of the methodist church, on sunday evenings. anyway, at the morning service, they ended with a big prayer time, where you could either stay in your seat and just listen to the music, or move to the front and have people pray with you. after the whole homesick/scary moment at the theatre, i felt i needed to be prayed for, just so i knew it would all be ok. i stepped up and a lady came over to me, and i suddenly burst into tears and hugged her. it felt like such a relief. we left the room to talk somewhere more quietly, and it was really nice to tell someone how i was feeling and what had happened. i let all my sadness out, and we prayed together. it was really lovely. after the service my cousin dropped me back to my place and i felt so much better.
The final thing i want to look at links to both the previous points. the dark has always scared me, especially if i'm on my own. one thing i knew i would have to tackle when moving and going to gigs/shows at night was coming back on my own in the dark. so far, all has been successful, whether getting the tube, bus, or walking. i've looked confident, and when i reach my road, i just can't stop smiling for how proud i am of myself for going out of my comfort zone. i could stay at home so i don't have to walk in the dark, but that means i don't do anything, and that's boring, and not the reason i moved to london. obviously if it's far, i will get an uber, and i always let people know where i am and when i'm back safe, but the fact i have gotten home from the theatre, and been fine waiting for the bus after the evening church service really makes me proud of myself. last year i wouldn't have been able to do any of this, now... well... i have suddenly found confidence and ways to cope with what gives me anxiety.
so that's my updated mobile mind! i really enjoy this kinda series update thing on my blog. i sometimes look at my first mobile mind post and see how much i have grown as a person. i am really proud with my anxiety and depression levels. it's my life, and i'm the only person who can do something with it, so why should i live in fear when i can go and be happy. it's taken time, and i still don't wanna do a lot, but one day i will get there. one day future anna x