well hello there. it's not been long at all since my last mobile mind entry. There's normally at least a few months chunk in between, but not here.
In my last post, I spoke about lockdown and how I was mainly thriving and making movies and doing a lot of productive things. I still feel I am. I've been applying to jobs left right and centre but without any luck. at first I felt a little sad, but now I know I would rather people who need to feed their family and have a roof over their head should get them. obviously I would love one, but I don't necessarily need one, when there are people struggling a lot right now.
I have decided to write this mobile mind because I think it's important to acknowledge my anxiety and how it changes. with things slowly starting to go back to "normal", I've seen friends and family members go off and do things that we haven't been able to do for a while, which has been so lovely. But then I do something that makes me feel hated by everyone I know. I ask myself why I haven't been invited.
I wouldn't say I'm a jealous person. if I know I wouldn't be invited or someone else should be in my place, I ain't going and that is totally chill with me. but what hurts is when it's a group of people that I thought I was in the group with. if anyone sees this and thinks I'm talking about them, just know that I don't hate you or anything silly like that, but it does make me think of my friendship status and where I stand with someone. to some people it's so silly, but it's just how my brain works. I tell myself I'm not good enough, that my friends secretly hate me and it completely sucks!!!
I also feel like I'm just so ready to get on with my life now. I wanna travel, see people, go to events, but I can't. I just wanna live now.
I don't know where this is going, but I just wanted to get it off my chest and see it clearly in front of me so that I can understand and accept how I feel in hopes to change. I thought I was all fine, but obviously "normal" isn't good for me, and leaving this covid-19 phase, I should do something to make my life better.
you'll do it future anna, it'll be ok.